I’m a Runner by Heart.

Today I ran my 4th half marathon and it was the hardest one I’ve ever done. There was nothing especially difficult about the course — it was me. I really haven’t been taking care of myself: I’ve been eating poorly, working way too much, not resting enough, and jumping into too many things.

And what happened during my race? I fell half a mile away from the finish line. My legs gave out. Both my calves couldn’t do it and my feet were cramping. It was excruciating. but I got up and sprinted the rest of it in the most unflattering manner. I think this race does symbolize my life in some way: I’m killing myself slowly. I really am.

Im avoiding things in my life by going extra hard on all the other things in my life and trying to distract myself from all the pain. A family event has happened that might set us back for a couple years, chores and errands are stacking up, physical things in my life are breaking, but left unrepaired. Just like me. I run away from my problems. And my problems is all caused by one thing: me. I’m insecure. I think I suck at everything and it pushes me to push the envelope on my mind and body. I got addicted to getting better, which also means getting fixated to all the things you’re not very good at. And my body has adjusted to this. I feel awful when I don’t feel terrible.

I need to take the steps to see my own individual worth. I need to take care of my body and mind more. I need to be nicer to myself and my mind. And I hope that I can stop being the runner that I am.