Lessons of A Lifetime

Love is a drug. It makes the highs feel higher and lows not as low. It makes you feel like you can fly when you really just have two legs that are meant for walking. Love is irrational. It makes you think the worst in people or makes you place people in remarkably unfair pedestals.

Then there’s heartbreak. Where the highs are just elevators to sadness. Where everything feels like a bubble on the brink of bursting. Food loses its taste. Time feels slower than ever. Clouds of despair hangover your head like a halo.

However. it teaches you a lot about yourself. It informs you of the real and the not so real people in your life. It slaps you back into reality and throws you into a desert of self discovery. It drowns you in guilt and past memories that are dipped and coated with “if only I did this” and “if only I didn’t do this” thoughts. Your mind beats you senseless until you’ve had enough only for it to continue happening when you think it’s over.

I am 23 going on 24. My very first but very serious relationship ended. It was a playful, supportive, trustworthy, and growth filled relationship. On my end, it was everything to me. It helped me grow to be a better person. It helped me see so many beautiful things in me and not so beautiful things. It made me see that life without love is something I don’t want. I learned to appreciate much more than what life was.

When it happened, I was caught off guard. I was surprised. I felt like I was physically watching a movie that you couldn’t bear to watch. It felt like a nightmare that you couldn’t wake up from.

I was heart broken and I am still recovering from that heart break as of today.

But it’s been an eye opening process. It’s taught me so much. I could even argue that it’s taught me more than the relationship itself. I’m rebuilding my life with much more intent, love, passion, and happiness. Atleast, I’m trying to. Today, I am the best version of myself despite the sadness I consistently feel. I know that things happen for a reason. People walk in and out of your life for a reason.

Here are the things that I learned from my first heartbreak. This is for me. You disagree — that’s completely fine. This is a reminder for me.

1. Becoming One is Destructive.

In our relationship, it felt that I was always making decisions in consideration of the both of us while she made decisions with her in mind. Not to say that she was selfish or she was purely focused on her, but I considered us all the time in every decision. I was hoping that she would think more about US instead of You and Me. Looking back, that was so terrible.

I forced her to pick between herself and us. Either way, nobody will win that battle. I wanted us to have one journey together. And now, I wish I thought of it as us as two different people with two different opinons who embark on two different journies side by side. Not one slowing down for the other or one speeding up to catch up to the other. Letting our journeys take their own course and understanding that was truly a relationship that could help us grow without guilt.

2. Focusing on the Present Moment and not the Future.

I remember how I looked at her and I thought to myself “wow our life together in the future would be amazing.Therefore, I need to start preparing for it.” I remember that I was saving more and more. I took my long term investments more seriously. I was thinking of our long term lives together and it made me lose sight of a lot of things. I was getting ready for things that I didn’t need to worry about.

Looking back I wished I focus on the present moment more and stopped worrying about the bigger picture so much. I wish I took her on more dates. I wish I bought her more things. I wish I surprised her more. I wish I took more risks. I wish I didn’t assume that the future was a guarantee when not every day after today is guaranteed at all.

3. True Love isn’t Effortless

I remember looking back at our relationship and I thought to myself: it seems like our relationship is totally fine. I told myself if there were issues then I’d fix them. I remember there would be these moments of happiness where I’d look at her and tell myself we’ll last atleast another 10 more months. In hindsight, my mind tried to do the bare minimum and it just kept extending those deadlines on her. The fact that I didn’t know for sure should’ve been a red flag that things weren’t the same anymore. I wish I didn’t put so much weight on our past memories and focused on what type of memories we were creating. I want to believe our love was very good in many ways so I believed that love is effortless. But it’s not. It takes commitment, time, and energy regardless of how much of a fit you and your partner are and even more if you’re not.

4. Your sole happiness cannot be them.

I remember how I would tell myself I’m so content with life because I had this beautiful amazing partner. But I realize that places all the power of my happiness into another individual’s hand. It’s not a good situation for anyone. They feel responsible for your life. That person needs to take care of their own life, how can they take care of two people when life is already hard enough?

Your happiness is your own responsibility. you can make them feel happy for temporarily but on a daily basis — you’re on your own.

5. Accept their differences

I remember when I began our relationship, I wanted to be the type of partner who challenged and pushed my partner to think about things differently. Unfortunately, there’s a fine line between challenging them and changing them entirely. I remember we would debate about certain controversial topics and sometimes we didn’t end up on the same page. Yet I tried so hard to make her see my side because I’m stubborn as fuck. Looking back, how wrong it was for me to not let things go and “lose” the argument. those types of conversations are controversial for a reason. It wasn’t worth it.

6. Talk. Talk. Talk. But remember to let go

Don’t be afraid to say and talk about the difficult conversations. I remember acting with my partners happiness in mind thinking that if she was happy then I’d be happy. Little did I realize that i was chipping away my self identity and individuality. I stopped thinking about me. I stopped thinking about what made me happy. I thought about what she wanted and sometimes, I was totally wrong. Sometimes the best thing to do was what I wanted to do. Sometimes she would also do what she thought I wanted to do. We both acted in each other in mind but failed to show that to each other.

Talk things out. Talk about how you’re feeling about certain things no matter how painful.

But not everything needs to be talked about. Some things just need to be let go because it’s not worth it. It’s okay to let things go. It’s okay to shut up and just say hey I’m sorry. It’s not worth it. You’re more important than a silly argument. Funny how you forget about what you argue about.

7. Taking Risks

As someone who suffers from anxiety, taking risks were often scary. I remember planning things and things ended often in disappointment. I became afraid to take risks. I remember how so many decisions made us disappointed and I was scared to take those risks. Whether it was planning a special day, going somewhere different or just doing something out of my comfort zone, I was really afraid. To this day, I’m not sure why. I hope that I can stop becoming less afraid.

8. Don’t be Complacent

I remember throughout my post graduate experience, I was telling myself that my life won’t start until hers does. I pushed off different cities and different opportunities. I was afraid of taking risks but I wanted to ensure that i was around. That’s all my fault.

In addition, I stopped loving myself. I stopped caring for myself. I stopped growing myself. I didn’t understand how my depression came about but these things that I didn’t perhaps kept me in it for a long time. I remember to tie my shoes correctly. To put on nicer clothes. To eat better and healthier. Because I am a reflection of how much I love myself. To love someone else, make sure you love yourself.

So love yourself. Put on that nice ass shirt. Comb your hair. put on an effort for yourself and your partner. Life is so beautiful so why not illustrate that you appreciate it by trying.

9. Love honestly. Don’t take it for granted.

No matter what. Give it your all. Be as vulnerable as you can be. Take those risks. Do those things that scare you. Love yourself honestly. Love your partner willingly and honestly until you can’t anymore.

I’m sad that I took my relationship for granted. She was one of my bestest friends and I still miss her a lot. But I know I won’t make that mistake twice in a lifetime.

10. It’s okay

Shit happens. life happens. There’s nobody to blame. Remember for what it was. Remember what it taught you. Remember the person for they were able to give you and maybe what they didn’t give you to learn more. Remember the person you strive to become and to always come back to earth. And don’t worry about it. Thankful for the 10 lessons that come with this experience. This document will continue to be updated because this is a process. Love is a process.

11: Understanding yourself

I know I said 10 lessons but this may be the most important one to date. It’s one I have dealt with my entire life and yet I didn’t understand it. it’s understanding my mental health and how to ask for support.

After I graduated, I didn’t understand how to use my time or talk about what bothered me. I was just coming out of unemployment and so my new job was a beacon of hope. Yet, my mental health was deteriorating. I was losing more and more of myself every day. And I didn’t even know it. I was disappointed that my life wasn’t where it needed to be. I was scared that I would fall deeper into unemployment and I was very very scared for my future. Yet I did nothing. I sat and waited for something to happen. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t want help because I didn’t want to think there was something wrong with me but there was.

Your life requires effort. You get what you put into it. Your friends. Relationship. Life. Is what you put into it. And if what you put it into isn’t working then move on.

My life is new. I am different. I am committed. The sadness is not gone but my depression and anxiety is. this is a version of me the world has never seen…

But I would say: I’m sorry that I lost control of myself. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough. Thank you for sticking by me for all the time that you could. It wasn’t fair to you.

I would say to my past and future me: the person that falls in love with you deserves the very best of you. I used to think that the person who falls in love you should tolerate the worst of you but at the same time, they deserve the very best of you, Daniel. They deserve for you to work on your mental health at your utmost effort. They deserve for you to put on some fresh clothes with your hair done. They deserve for you to constantly grow. They deserve the best version of you. Not the best version of you that you think is best for them, but for yourself. That’s the person they deserve and the person you deserve. No more thinking that love is about someone loving you at your worst but you loving someone at your very best. You deserve that, Daniel Michael Dang. The world deserves the Daniel Michael Dang that I know and the world knows you can become.