Alive and Well

It’s December 9th 2018… And I am here to talk about something serious. So if you are looking for good vibes and not a story with undertones of sadness and defeat then I suggest you read something else…

You know I’ve written this reflection post so many times… I’ve restructured sentences. I’ve deleted content only to throw it back in too many times. Worked on it for a couple days only to delete it. My thinking and reflection about this year has always changed. It’s been rearranged like my laundry hamper where I just throw everything out on the floor and look for what I need to make myself feel brand new when it really isn’t. But now after months of daily runners’ high and personal reflection, I don’t think I am afraid to talk about this. Because — fuck that. There are people struggling with this everyday who probably think the same shit about this stuff and could probably relate to this. So here’s my chance to be brave. I also write this with the preface that I am no better or worse than anyone else. The things that worked for me may not work for you. What feels like a big deal to me is probably not a big deal to you — all of which is okay. I write this to get this off my chest.

[My fingers are shaking just thinking about this. ]

It took me a long time to really understand this part of me, but I get it a little bit more now. I know that I first got depression about 1.5 years ago. Recently I was talking to a good friend of mine and I told her how I just started seeing actual color again in my life — COLOR. COLOR — FAM. That is wild. Some might just be like, well bruh you might be just colorblind… No no no. I mean color as in, life has a certain vibrancy to it. Where you believe that your life is worth molding, investing, and changing. It’s scary to believe that I haven’t thought of life like this. To me, life was to be endured — not enjoyed. Life gives you what it gives you.. And there’s nothing you can do about it when there’s alot you can do to make the most out of it.

Here goes…I don’t wanna say that certain things have to happen for you to get depression cause sometimes, it just happens to some of us. But I think it’s really easy for post graduates to get it. For me, the stars had been aligned for me and I just got unlucky. It’s not anyone’s fault. Which is funny because I used to blame myself for it all the time. I yelled at my myself like Daniel, why couldn’t you just get your shit together, dude. Daniel, why were you so weak.. Daniel, it was just you.

And you know what, who knows. It could be all of the above or none of the above. But I had reached a point in my life, where I didn’t want to have a life. And so to me,I think that’s more than a good enough reason for me to believe that it was overly difficult. That’s good enough for me to be at peace with it.

The Symptoms I felt:

I locked myself in my room thinking that a fun night was to play competitive video games with your best friends. But you know what it actually looked like? It was me waiting all day and night to play a overly competitive game. I bothered all my friends to play games with me… Only to get disappointed that only 1 or 2 would show up to play. Then, we would get our asses kicked by little kids. I would tell myself I suck. I have no good friends because they couldn’t spare any hour with me. I would tell myself that I am not good at anything.. All because of a video game — so silly right? What became an escape from my problems morphed into the problem itself. I didn’t know how to deal with my problems. I just endured it because that’s how I’ve always done it.

But with endurance, became fatigue and burn out. I socially isolated myself… I didn’t want to see my friends. I sat in my car before work crying everyday because I hated my work so much. My boss was super unsupportive. My work was mindless and boring. I stopped taking care of myself. I drank ridiculous amounts of caffeine to get through my day just to be drained and burnt out on a daily basis. I ate instant food 6–7 days a week. I stopped running and working out. I treated my ex-girlfriend like an emotional punching bag using really toxic language to justify our toxic habits and behavior…I became so on edge that I didn’t even realize that I was losing grip of my career, my loved ones, and life …

I say all this now not to excuse my behavior nor am I asking for any apologies, I just wanted to say it happened. I don’t blame anyone for it. I don’t blame anything for it. I am not weak because of it. Maybe all I can say is that, I am more human than I thought. And I’ve learned a lot this year. All of which has made me a better person, who is more self aware and transparent with others. I know what my body and mind needs. This is not to say that I am the most perfect person ever. I still make mistakes. I still give in to my mind. I still make ultra big exaggerations off of details and events that I have no control over. I am still human, but atleast I know that right?

Everything happens for a reason. Thanks to everyone who stayed. To those who couldn’t be there for whatever reasons, it’s okay — I’m not mad,sad or anything. Reach out if you want to. Don’t reach out if you don’t want to. Do whatever you want. Life happens. People need to look after themselves sometimes. To those still going through some version or stage of this, I am proud of you. Because you know what — you’re reading this. You said I am going to be alive for one more day and you’re here. But if you want out, come talk to me. I’d love lend you my time, my hand, and my heart.

My medicine:

TBH, this section is a little funky for me. Because medicine feels so harsh/rigid, but it’s the best way for me to describe it.

I started throwing myself into a workout routine and started tapping into what makes me function as a human. Which is feeling of value… This is not to say that if you’re not doing certain things then you’re not valuable, but doing things that MAKE YOU FEEL valuable. I love working out because it gives me a safe place to check in with myself. I can tell myself that I need to try harder. I can tell myself to take a step back. It’s a practice that shows up in everything that I do.

What also helped was having healthier definitions of growth. Growth isn’t constant. It isn’t overnight. It isn’t easy. It isn’t hard. It’s what you want it to be. It’s given me a framework to be healthy with my mind and my body. If you want to talk more about this, message me! Always open to ideas and conversations around this.

My secret:

Today, I stand really proud to tell you that this year has been my YEAR. I am working at my dream company today. I love what I do with my life. I love the type of work that I am doing and the things that I am learning. I love my bosses. I love my co workers. I look forward to work everyday and I see purpose in my life.And on days where I don’t feel like I’m the best Daniel Michael Dang, I try my hardest to make myself a better Daniel Michael Dang. When life isn’t working out for you, try your hardest to get a W in some other way. Go help someone. Go read something. Go conquer a fear. Go to bed. Be intentional. I run. I read. I try to hang with friends. I try to have my own time. I try to research stuff. I try to beat my friends in fantasy. I try to just think and be present. I know it seems so simple, but sometimes the simplest things get overlooked.

In a year, I’ve grown up a lot. I’ve been through a lot. and I’ve grown a lot. Finally to remember that this is all a process. We are imperfect beings with limited time and energy. We all have different backgrounds that impact and shape our values. Our values impact what we care and don’t care about — all of which has trade offs. And all those variables change with time — isn’t that crazy?

But for right now, I am amazingly happy with how I’ve structured my life.

Thank you 2018. I am ready. I love the person I am becoming and being. 2019 — be scared because I am alive and well for once in a long time.

Thank you reading and checking on me.

Yours Truly,

Daniel Michael Dang